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The Feminine Within Navigation: Main page Author: Susan Allan ASK THE DIVORCE COACH, SUSAN ALLANTHE FEMININE WITHIN Many women believe that by being strong and independent that they will generate the lives they enjoy in their careers and their intimate relationships. Is it true for you? Is this true for your wife or girlfriend or daughter? Many women of each generation have found that the challenge is to blend vulnerability, courage and power. When women can learn to identify their own feelings of fear instead of blaming it on others and begin to focus on meeting their own needs, they may create Power-Source Partnerships and that begins with thinking and expands to listening and all communication intrapersonal skills. In Marital Mediation both parties discover their feelings and needs and learn new ways to meet everyones needs more effectively. Some people are controlled by their need to be in control Worrying about the future puts yourself in an impossible place in which you have absolutely no power and the self-fulfilling prophecy will be realized. According to Frank Zizzo, Ph.D. Someone who has suffered under violence may project imagined violence onto others later in life. If we are frightened as children we armor ourselves to survive, but this armor may encourage others to view us as dangerous, too. Fear is what limits our willingness to drop our defenses and become ourselves. Faith is the process that makes that possible. 1. Have you observed any confusion you feel between power and vulnerability? 2. Do you sometimes believe that you "abandon the feminine? 3. Do you observe how fear motivates someone to want to feel in control? 4. If you are a woman, do you notice stress in your relationships with men or in your internal stories about men? Dear Divorce Coach, My younger sister makes me feel guilty and responsible to her. But the way she yells and dramatizes everything makes me want to avoid her phone calls and her visits- indefinitely! What can I do to solve this? Sincerely, Resist her sister! Dear Resist, In order to give empathy to your sister, you will first need to bring yourself back o peace. When you can feel neutral and speak in a calm voice, there will be less to trigger her. It is essential to avoid thinking too quickly about strategies and solutions, sometimes it may be helpful to think of yourself as a physician who needs all the test results before considering the cure! Sincerely yours, Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan Dear Divorce Coach, Why is it so hard for me to clean things up? Ive been promising myself to do it and then I didn't even want to do that until today. I messed up my office even more. If I clean up my office then people will be in it with me - I will loose my private spot just for me. If I throw something out then I will need it again. Children's paper work; it is so cute how could I throw it away. This is how my life always goes, one day I want to and the next day I dont. What can I do about this? Sincerely, Mess Stress Dear Mess, When you clarify your priorities and number them then the solution will be clear. Instead of focusing on the solution, to clean or not; try thinking about the benefits of not cleaning each part of the office. If you clean you have more order, space, peace and probably self-respect, isnt that true? However, if you leave it you have more free time to connect with your children and more self-expression. Which are most essential to you at any moment? Considering all our needs and listing them in order allows us to create the best solution that fits the moment and includes its own motivation to act. Sincerely yours, Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan Many female clients are torn between self-criticism, self-defense and criticizing their spouse; none is helpful. Instead, focus on all your needs and examine the best strategy for the big picture. It is always fear that creates defenses; fear that creates rage and fear that fuels the disintegration of relationships how can you be more effective? When clients contemplate divorce and transforms their marriages using the How to Avoid Divorce training they move through the 7 Stages of Love as identified by Frank Zizzo, Ph.D. They are Dependency, Need, Control, Support, Intimacy, Vulnerability and Unselfconsciousness. When many experience vulnerability even within a loving relationship, unless they have been alerted to this 6th Stage of Love, many partners hit the eject button. Now that you have a deeper understanding of the 7 Stages of Love, will you be ready to remain open and stay connected to your partner or will you cut and run? If you are in Vulnerability and your partner has only reached the Dependency or Support or Intimacy stage, will you understand your options or will you just panic? To receive a free hour of coaching and your free chapter of DIVORCE: THE MARRY-GO-ROUND or How to Save your Money, your Sanity or Your Life. Susan Allan is Americas leading Divorce Coach and is the creator of Marital Mediation, available through www.thedivorceforum.com and www.themarriageforum.com For answers to your questions and for a one hour free, private telephone coaching session, contact susanallan@themarriageforum.com Allans How to Avoid Divorce is featured in The LA Daily News BookTalk |
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